This post will grow in length. Maybe.
I had a guy once tell me he was a Meso Meketerian. These, according to him, and the core beliefs of Meso Meketerians: “We believe in the possibility that summertime will succeed springtime. We also feel that there is harmony in music, and we love grits.”
Oh, and he said the parakeet was the national symbol of their cult….
Here are some other, highly unorthodox statements that may or may not have crossed my ear:
“I don’t always have the right answers, but I do occasionally hit the target from a shot in the dark.”
“I am the most devoted person you will ever ignore.”
“The proficiency of my mindlessness is befuddling.”
“The best thing about confusion is that it’s free. It’s clarity of thought that can take the chomp out of a bank account.”
“I want to get some memorable kicks in before I lose my memory.”
“I gave up walking straight lines a long time ago. I started zigzagging. I learned this trick from battleships trying to avoid German wolf pack submarines. So far, I have yet to be torpedoed, so it must be working.”
“I’d learn to juggle flaming flies if it would mean an end to confusion and despair.”
“At birth, we are owed only two things: a drink of milk and a clean diaper. The rest is up to us.”
“Here’s the short of it: I’m a parakeet hoarder.”
“A marginal amount of excess is sought after, fought after and seldom adhered to.”
“Embryonic and hardly cognitive, all of us are reborn each day into the tunnel of the unknown.”
“The mothership of wisdom certainly isn’t painted in easy to see colors. On the contrary, the best planned decisions of men are often the most easily sunk in the mildest of storms.”
“Marriage is the most unpredictable predictability and yet at the same time the most predictable unpredictability.” — Scott Morton
“Sometimes the best and most cherished memories are those we’d just as soon forget.”
“Divorce is like an open wound: treat it right and it will heal properly, although a slight scar is to be expected. Treat it wrong, and infection will set in requiring six years purgatory in a penal colony somewhere.”
“Clever words of wisdom are most often spouted by the unwisest of boxcar hobos. In such cases, it is wiser to clamp the chatter trap and find new pastures to fertilize.”
“You are made of sunshine. You radiate your glow and warmth all over me. You are a constant reminder to me each day that although an occasional cloud may come between us, your rays will soon punch through and fill me with golden illumination and joy yet again.”
“I never give up. It’s like when I bake a cake. The first one usually gets messed up. The second one collapses while in the oven. The third one is perfect, but I fall into it as I am walking it to the table because the pan is so hot. FINALLY, after the fourth time, it’s finished and not destroyed, but it is not worth eating because I used all the eggs in the previous failed attempts.”
“Anyone who goes prancing about bragging on the enormity of the universe would never be caught wearing anything less than the best.”
“I love cookies more than I love a broken-down bus full of Nordic cheerleaders who haven’t seen a man in over a year. That is saying a lot, because I REALLY REALLY do love a broken down bus full of Nordic cheerleaders who haven’t seen a man …in over a year!”
“I was born sideways, I think. And I’ll most likely go out upside down. Seems fair enough since I lived my entire life backwards.”
“My life is one part drizzle and two parts fizzle, and every so often a dash of sizzle.”
What I lack in knowledge of women I gain in knowledge of antidepressants.
Why isn’t Zero hour considered one hour before one o’clock?
“There is a certain rhythm to my hysteria. It’s right on the beat, although wholly unpredictable even after repeated performances.”
“There’s nothing like dangling in the wind, floating on currents and riptides of whims and luck. In the end it all empties into the sea anyway, so none of it really matters.”
“The most probable conclusion to a most perplexing dilemma is almost always the most absurd outcome. So, if your horse is coming in last, bet against yourself and win some money.”
“There is nothing more mundane than a clock, the hands of which just spin slowly around in pointless circles. Kind of depressing to watch actually, this tick tock blues madness…”
“She can get feisty all she wants and snort and hop around, but she is still my little sister and she ain’t too big to be brought across my knee for some attitude adjustment.”
“There are many things I cannot state with absolute assurance, but one thing I can proclaim with total confidence is that every single egg once had a chicken wrapped around it.”
“Do not turn around in circles if your destination is other than where you started. For crying out loud.”
“Had I known life was going to be this f***ing complicated, I would have punched someone in the gut for talking me into sliding down the tube 39 years ago.”
“Oh what I wouldn’t do for a dose of understanding, a pinch of explanation, a shot of surprise and a shake or two of the unexpected.”
“I have found that the most amazing things can often times be what does not make sense upon a first glance.”
“My good thought for today: Those who look down on others usually have farther to fall. Another thought: He who ventures high for fruit usually stands on shaky limbs.”
“Of all the conjecturing and postulating throughout our history as to why the universe was constructed, “just because” seems to be the best and most gratifying answer there is.”
“When the wind hits my sails, I will be scooting along…”
“There ain’t no backing out, unless of course, there’s a back door to this place.”
“A window is a strange oddity. It is designed to be transparent, to be able to see through, but as admired as it is to look out of, looking INTO a window can often get one into trouble.”
“Some fires need rekindling. Others need dousing. Only wisdom can tell us which is which. The answers may not always be clear.”
“You are what you are, and you ain’t what you ain’t. The rest is just pudding burning in the pot.”
“A wise man is usually the dumbest man of them all. Dumb men usually find true happiness, which makes them the wisest men of all!”
“I will beg no man for anything. But I will borrow anything from anyone unless I can get it on sale someplace else.”
“If you make a woman laugh, you are doing well. If you make her laugh when she cries, you are doing great. If you can pull off making her cry when she laughs, you are da man!!!”
“What you see is what you get, but what you get is not often what you see.”
“If you make a woman laugh, you are doing well. If you make her laugh when she cries, you are doing great. If you can pull off making her cry when she laughs, you are da man!!”
“Often the winds of fate conspire against us. When so, pull out the hairdryer and fight back!”
“What did the dolphin say to the bear? “What the hell are you doing in the ocean?”
“The reason life is so short is to cut down on the overall amount of taxes one pays in one’s lifetime. Dying is actually a unique form of monetary investment whereas savings are held in fortuity. For instance, an estate of the deceased being held in compound interest over the period of eternity can yield favorable dividends.”
“A flower sniffer usually has a bee up his nose.”
“I make up my own quotes. You can quote me on that.”
“When you realize you’ve gone too far and you can’t turn around, it’s time to forge a new path. That’s the real definition of life.”
“I try to avoid anything to do with rational thinking. Rational thinking leads to astute, analytical observations about ones own reality, which in turn leads to a sobering epiphany most often resulting in wanting another beer. Just watch me!”
South V Street 